I don’t know where to start. I am trying to find my path in life and find what I am good at. I really don’t know what I am going to write about on this blog, there are so many things I could do, but yet which one am I most passionate about? What will people be interested in?
I have such a hard time feeling like I can accomplish anything, so diving into changes like this is a little overwhelming. I have been in many situations in my life where I was told or made to feel I wasn’t good enough. I did that for so long that it took me until I was 32 to start figuring out who I am, not who I thought those around me expected me to be. Now here we are 5 years later into this journey, it is only just beginning, and I AM READY!
They, the “experts”, tell you that you have to have a niche to succeed at any of this online stuff. I am so out of cool, I had to ask my kids what exactly that is today. How do you decide a niche? There are so many parts of life to learn about and share about and experience; how do you pick just 1 area? There is momming and natural remedies, crocheting and painting, organizing and writing, learning life coaching, trauma treatments and spirituality, and so much more! How can I include it all and make it seem right?
I love the last name I received when I got married. Holm. I have been able to think of all sorts of clever ideas to pull it in. Baking: Holm Baked; my friend even made a business card; Holm Made for crafting things are just a couple. Now, to encompass everything in my “find me” journey is “Navigating Holm Life.” Even though I am divorced now, I chose to keep my married name mainly to keep things easier with kid things, but also just everything I have in my name.
At this point in life, I am feeling pulled. But pulled in what direction, I have no idea. I have felt this way before. A strong pulling at my soul. I don’t know how to explain it, but there is this pleading in my soul, a pulling off course to a different direction. I have always been in tune to my inner path, if that’s what we can call it. I NEEDED my job I have today, like was told no 3 times, got a new job through a temp agency and day before I was supposed to start, I got the call for an interview at my current company. I NEEDED to leave my ex-husband; I had tried for so long to fix it, I felt it was where I belonged, that it was my duty in life, then 1 day I was done, like pulled into a different path, I had done all I could for him and was ready to leave it in his hands. My soul NEEDED me to move on from my religion of the time. I loved and still love the people and I love Abba, but my soul was a strong force, it was time to move on, that I have learned everything I needed to from that season of my life.
Now, I am being pulled. I do not know what direction I am being pulled, just pulled. I am finally trying to figure out where I sit spiritually. I love my job, but at the same time, it is changing who I was created and sent to be and I don’t like it. I want to be able to focus on my life and family, not on my job. My problem is I am such a perfectionist, control-freak that I cannot seem to separate from work. I will sit and think of anything I or my team may have done wrong that we shouldn’t have. Or staying for hours after work each day to get things done exactly as they should be and still panic that it wasn’t good enough. Ick…ICK! I am not ok with that person. I am learning to embrace all of the weird personality traits I have picked up from a life of instability and figuring out how to channel these into positive attributes. I am redirecting my perfectionism to the things in life I enjoy.
The one thing I did not develop is the ability to go with the flow. To do that takes great effort. Like for real. But, that is the pull I have right now. I was never one to realize how bad needing control was until I start to meet more and more people who question it. This raises a lot of questions of the psychology behind how we justify “normal” as humans. My normal is/was you can never work hard enough and failure is not an option or bad things will happen. A lot of my journaling, meditating and affirmations is questioning and reminding myself ‘who gets to decide what’s normal or not?’ I am not here to be told what someone else’s normal is anymore. I am not here to think my normal is the only normal. I am not going to let ‘normal’ hold me back from all the tryings a person should do in life.
So, what am I doing?
I am on a journey to find me. That is going to be the person trying to learn how to garden since never being successful at it as an adult. That is the person starting a crocheted stuffed animal line called “Paraphernalia Pals”. That is the person taking classes to learn how to help others with whatever they could need. That is the person writing 13-week meal plans so I can have everything planned and premade shopping lists on my Walmart app. That is the person growing confident in painting to hopefully start selling them. The person who wants to make TikToks of reading Little House on the Prairie books, painting, crocheting, telling funny stories. The person who started frequency healing as a chance to get my FND under control. The person who develops new symptoms all the time related to Functional Neurological Disorder (FND). The mom who is trying to find herself and lead her children to be able to do the same.
Let’s See Where This Journey Takes Us!